TopTrumps

Brian Hayes

Brian is not actually a member of UCL, but has been with us on a couple of competition trips abroad, strangely both to Sweden, so we conferred honourary membership on his ass. But only his ass. Brian is the quietest person you would ever meet, and wouldn't say boo to a goose. He once said hello to a goose, but Brian's voice is like brain-poison, so the goose died with black goo dribbling from its ears and arse. Since then Brian took a vow of silence, and complemented it with a vow of celebacy as a misguided after thought.

Stats

  • SIZE: 7.5
  • POWER: 7.5
  • STAMINA: 8
  • TECHNIQUE: 8
  • SPEED: 7
  • YEARS TRAINED: 8
  • UCL FACTOR: 2

Current Status

HonouraryMember

Weaknesses

  • Ears are not suited to earplugs but he just keeps damn wearing them! I blame Jon
  • Cigarette vending machines disguised as change machines

Special Abilities

  • Silence like the grave
  • Airport sleeping - as long as he has a sleeping bag and ear plugs
  • He likes fat chicks
  • Should start working behind a bar

Quotes

  • Brian: There is no change coming out, I put my money in but its not changing it for me....
    • Gibbo: Brian, thats a fag machine.
  • Will, do you want to buy some fags?
  • I've heard bag piping is quite popular with gays
  • I like fat chicks
  • I'm going to Thailand to climb a mountain
  • To Gibbo's wife in Taipei : You are really really patient aren't you?
  • She lives with her dog. Now that's kinky.
  • It keeps the hordes of thai 'ladies' off me but now the waiters are beginning to touch me.
  • Could I look any gay-er? I don't think so.
  • Hey, there was a fight here this morning between the bodacious thai babe who looks after this internet cafe, attached to the guest house I'm staying in, and an evil Korean bitch-dwarf.
  • Sticks and bins were being thrown, quite a bit of wrestling - but no Thai boxing unfortunately.
  • I'm not exactly Roy Rogers myself